For things to change, I have to change….for things to get better I have to get better.
When I walk into a shopping mall, if I want to find a particular store, I can either wander around the mall which may bring some reward if I have the time and interest to window shop. OR, I can look at the map of the mall and the FIRST thing I MUST locate is the ‘you are here’ marker.
Where I am is the beginning point of where I want to go and how I will get there.
For things to change at this critical juncture in my life, I have to get a grip on where I am, who I am. To discover where I want to go in this maze of life, not a mall, I have to know ‘I am here’, and where ‘here’ is…..what it is….and a bit of how I got to this ‘here’.
I have to separate myself from others…those who have been negative voices in my formation, and especially those who very recently have been significant to contribute to my present pain and multiple losses, which I can and WILL turn into multiple gains. This is not just a physical separation which is the easy part, as in moving out of the house. But also stopping the voices in my head from continuing to have a damaging role in my moving forward in knowing what is true and doing what is good and healthy.
It’s my choice.
I choose to begin now, to take a hard look at where I am….who I am…so I can choose where I want to go from this point.
I will not allow others to dictate my future, my value, my schedule.
I am strong, I am powerful, I am rising up to claim myself as my best fried and ally.
I can and will make a positive difference in peoples lives as I use the pain of my own as fodder to fuel my growth and direction.
God and I will work together to co-create my destiny. After all, He loves me, even though he KNOWS me perfectly. I want to get to know me, separate from a boyfriend, a husband, my own sons, my friends, my family, my business. I want to look at me as the person who got hit by a car, as the person who hit me, and as the bystander who saw it happen. I want to really see me as best as I can see me, and try to see me as others see me. I will need to enlist their help.
I know the first thing that is showing up is I’m prone to addictions. One night this week it was chips. Last night raisin filled cookies jumped into my cart at Sams and I ate 1/2 of them coming home. The day after these episodes I have muscle aches and stiffness I KNOW why….I’ve chosen to take inflammatory substances into my body for the momentary satisfaction they bring.
This is not a daily thing for me, but it shows my weakness in taking pause to ask myself the questions that I encourage my clients to ask. To choose life, rather than death in anything I take into my body, mind and spirit.
I also have had addictions to people that were unhealthy and probably still do. Untangling myself from people, or food, or fantasy, seems daunting, but is necessary.
I need to strip down to see me at my core and rebuild my life….my life in Christ in the context of why and how he created me to be and the doing will evolve peacefully from that core.
I want to be healthy, to be whole….to attract healthy, whole people and help those also on this journey who are seeking to come along with me to the best version of us.
I don’t want to be co-dependent on a person. I have to look very hard at the men I’ve been attracted to and why.
I have to let go…..lay down…..a lot…..there is no option if I’m to move into my glorious future. How to let go…..how to know I’ve let go….really let go….that will be the question.
I purpose to not be depressed over things in my past, or anxious about the unknowns of my future, but be ONLY in this moment, this piece of my life, WITH the peace of Christ that passes all understanding. I have to let go of trying to understand, trying to make sense of it all.
So today is the beginning of my eternity. And Im here, at the entrance of the shopping mall of my life. I’m going to take pause and be intentional about where it is I want to go. AND I will get there AND the journey and the destination will be glorious!
I want to let go….I want to be free….so I can move forward….to find and love me.
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. …one thing I do, forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
The apostle Paul, Philippians 3:12ff
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